White Light

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me. Your rod, your staff, they comfort me"

- Psalm 23:4

I am afraid to die.

Who isn't?

Many clergymen might say that if you really believe in God Almighty, you will never fear death or anything which may bring it so long as you believe in him and follow His will... but the question still lies in my head... what will happen to me after death?

Death has always been an avoided topic but whether we like it or not, it's something we could never avoid... something which we are born with... deal with it.

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Maaagnas lang naman tayo at kakainin ng mga uod at magiging pataba sa lupa tulad ng lahat ng uri ng bagay na nabubuhay sa ibabaw ng lupa. Sumusunod tayo sa chain... sa isang siklo ng buhay. -Agham

Ang kamatayan ay ang siyang nagdidikta ng kapanganakan natin sa kabilang mundo kung saan ang mga tapat na sumampalataya sa Panginoon ay mabubuhay kapiling Siya sa habang panahon. - Simbahang Katoliko

Bukod sa dalawang nabanggit, may paniniwalang Hindu na nagsasabing hanggang hindi nagagawa ng isang ispirito ang kanyang misyon o tungkulin, patuloy siyang babalik at babalik sa mundo. Ang mga ispiritista naman ay naniniwala sa vortex na kailangang tawirin ng mga kaluluwang handa ng pumunta sa kabilang mundo at ang mga kaluluwang di pa panatag ay kailangang uminom ng Lactum para maging 100% panatag kung hindi ay mananatili siyang nagliliwaliw dito sa mundo bilang isang multo na tulad ng katabi mo kagabi sa pagtulog mo.

Pero ano nga lang ba ang sigurado sa kamatayan.

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Death is the retirement of our physical body.. whether our spirits will take their own journey or not, we don't know or will never know until we're alive.

It is bidding farewell to our loved ones. The last chance to tell them how much we love and value them, and also how much we are thankful for having them around. The only moment when we are not hated but so much missed. The time when our achievements outweighed the shortcomings. The only time when we're ridiculed less and understood most.

No consoling word can ever amount to the pain of a death... No one can calm the most troubled hearts of those who were left behind and no guilt can ever compare to those who have not expressed the love which was there all along waiting for the perfect moment which never came.

Death is a dreadful event which may happen to anyone.... painful as it is to anyone...

I don't want to die yet for I am afraid...

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Gusto kong makita kung saan ang destinasyon ko bago ko mamatay, mga dalawang araw bago ako mamatay... para mawala ang takot at pangamba... para hindi ko maramdaman na wala palang dapat ipag-alala...

Hanggang sa aking makita ang puting ilaw... ako si Billie... blogging...

reunited...

Sa dami ng messages na nabasa ko sa Facebook sa mga nakaraang araw at linggo eh isa lang talaga ang sobrang lakas ng clamor...REUNION.

1st year highschool ako ng mabasa ko ang libro ni Bob Ong na ABNKKBSNPLAKo! at isa sa mga parte doon ay tumalakay sa reunion na tila ba isang fright day kung ituring niya... naisip ko noon, ano bang nakakatakot sa araw kung saan makikita mo uli ang mga dating kaibigan at ka-ibigan, babalikan ninyo ang mga ala-ala at susubukang ibalik ang pagiging malapit sa isa't isa? Ano nga bang nakakasindak sa mga muling pagkikita-kita?

Noong nakaraang taon ay sinubukang magdaos ng isang reunion ang batch pero gaya ng inaasahan ay marami ang hindi nakarating at kasama na ako doon. Bilang isang estudyante ng panahong iyon ay marami akong kailangang palampasing social event lalo na kung hindi ko talaga gustong pumunta dahil sa pakiwari ko eh napakaaga pa para magdaos ng isang reunion... we barely finished college yet... Na-imagine ko kasi ang isang reunion 'pag nakakapagtrabaho na kami at namatay na ang lahat ng immaturity sa katawan namin. Pero siguro nga ako na lang ang kailangang maghilod ng immaturity sa aming lahat.

At sa mga susunod na panahon ay magkakaroon na naman ng reunion. Pupunta ba ako!?!?!

Sa highschool, hindi ako kahit kailan naging bida, indi ako matalino at lalong hindi ako ang taong gusto kong maging ako. Sa pagpasok ko noon sa college ay sinubukan kong maging mas mabuting "Billie" o kahit man lang isang tao na kayang irespeto ang sarili niya. Pinilit kong ipahayag nang mas aayos kung sino ako bagaman marami pa rin ang hindi natuwa sa akin at sa ugali ko, masasabi ko na mas minahal ko ang sarili ko at ang lahat ng naging kaibigan ko ay nakita ang tunay na ako... isang bagay na hindi ko nagawa sa highschool... nakatanggap ako ng respeto na kailangan ko para sa mga endeavors ko na kahit kelan ay hindi ko naramdaman sa highschool... Masasabi kong mabuting kaibigan ang lahat ng naging kaibigan ko noong highschool at talagang tinutulungan nila ako sa mga pagkakataong kailangan ko ang tulong nila pero ang mga college friends ko ang nagbigay sa akin ng zeal para ituloy ang mga bagay na gusto kong gawin at kahit mabigo man ako ay alam kong nandyan sila at hindi nila ako hinuhusgahan dahil alam nilang marami akong kahinaan...

I feel like a shit while I was in highschool especially in my last few months there and how I wish I could make the clock ticks faster... I can't blame no one for anything that had happened in my highschool days... I was alone in that fight and I know I won but not of TKO neither of a unanimous decision but of default... i had noone to fight with but myself... "I had to stop it", I told myself then but now that I am a little more confident of myself... I had to face the people who have known the person from the past and not me, today... How can I say that I have grown to a better person when in the first place, they don't even bother to know?

Nagpapanic lang ako pero wala naman talagang problema... 'Pag nandyan 'yan saka na lang problemahin... pero habang hindi pa dumarating... i'll enjoy life to its fullest... and reminisce of the uncountable times I was happy in highschool...

whether i'll come or not depends on how things will turn on the following months or even years but for now... I'll stay as Billie...bloggista.

Sorry.

The word could have been more useful some four years ago. My senior year in highschool. I could have rebuilt bridges of friendships and closed gaps with that five-letter word...I should have said it then.

Explanation.
That same year... fet so misunderstood and so I had to keep myself distant from a lot of people including my friends...I should have said what I felt.. I should have told them my reasons... they could have understand...they might have understand.


This should have been written some four years ago... back to the times when I wasn't that matured yet and a little egocentricity has filled my soul.

First Story:
"It's better to shut up..."

They hated me. One even cursed me to death and the other called me an evil. But why? All I did was tell something which at that time, I just felt like saying and since it's true as far as I know and that it does not intend to create trouble with anyone. They confronted me and asked me why have I said such things but I felt not liable for any explanations so I just keep my mouth shut...not knowing that it would make things worse...I said sorry alright and after some weeks we reconciled but still the explanation has to be given out even it's 4 years late...

"Alam kong mali ako na nasabi ko ang mga bagay na hindi naman dapat na-ibroadcast sa maraming tao pero nang sinabi ko iyon ay wala akong intensyong masama. Hindi ako nagpaliwanag non dahil kung may nagawa man akong mali ay sa dalwang tao lang iyon at hindi sa buong grupo dahil kahit paano ko isipin ay hindi sangkot ang mga taong ito sa sinabi ko..."

..next story in the continuation...

Pondering: imagine the good times, feet the bad times

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
- Falling Slowly, Kris Allen

I love her...but she doesn't know about it.. she doesn't even have a single clue...but I do not intend to let her know... I want to keep it as it is... we are better off as strangers.. I think.

Have you ever been in love?

People from different parts of the globe and from all walks of life have always imagined to find that one person who would complete them but along the way things will not turn the way you imagined it to be and that one person you feel love for isn't the person you imagined to give it to...

It is very much exciting to talk about the exchange of sweet nothings between you and your loved one but oftentimes, people end up having nightmares or sleepless nights because of a failed love...

We look tirelessly for that perfect person yet when we found them we just can't say to them the words we have memorized from the moment we learned what love was...

You can go half-way around the world just to follow our special one but when we found them, they already belong to somebody...

You flirted with numerous girls and tell them how sweet and beautiful they are and just how much you like them but your tongue got twisted upon seeing the only person you wanted to spend life with...

Many girls dream of having a prince who will come at their rescue and sweep their feet off but in the end they will settle to be the bestfriend..."just bestfriend" or worse, the other woman...

Sometimes, they are just beside you waiting to be noticed but when oyu finally take a glimpse of her angelic face and started falling for her, that's when you realize you don't stand a chance on the person because of two reasons...(1) you're not her type and (2) she is going steady with someone who's so better than you...

We anticipated and practiced each sweet line not knowing they will never come along ...

We waited for love to come along...yet when it came... you let it pass... or it took a pass on you...

Girls can kiss a lot of frogs to find her prince just like a man can try that glass shoe to find for that lady who would have the perfect fit but how long are you going to do it? How far can you get?

Pondering: Bestfriend

Sinong bestfriend mo?

Naaalala ko pa kung paano ko tinatanong iyan sa lahat ng mga kaklalase kong napapalapit sa akin sa pag-asang bestfriend nila ako...nakakatawa kung gaano ko pinahahalagahan NOON ang isang tawag na hindi naman talaga ang importante, gaya nga ng sabi ng kaibigan ko "ang kaibigan ay kaibigan, kahit anong tawag mo basta kaibigan mo, yun sya!". Pagdating ko ng hayskul, nagkaroon ako ng tatlong bestfriend, 'yung isa pareho kaming weird kaya naman nagkakasundo kami, 'yung isa super bait at massayahin kaya gusto ko siyang kasama madalas at ang huli ay napakamapanlait at masungit pero siya ang ultimate bestfriend ko at kahit di kami masyado magkita kahit malapit lang ang bahay namin sa isa't isa eh parang hindi kami naghiwalay kung mag-usap 'pag nagkita ulit.

Kanina sa pagtingin ko sa Friendster at Facebook account niya eh nakita ko ang bago niyang group of friends sa mga pics na in-upload niya at nakaramdam ako ng lungkot. Naisip ko, gaano pa kaya katagl kaming magiging magkaibigan kung ngayon pa lang eh may kanya-kanya na kaming mga buhay at iba na rin ang mga grupo ng kaibigan na meron kami...Nakakatakot na mawala at masayang na lang ang halos 8 years naming friendship at ilang taon ng pagiging bestfriends.

Ano nga ba ang bestfriend? Sapat na ba na magkasundo kayo palagi o madalas kayong magkasama? Okay na ba 'yung hindi kayo nagtatalo at masaya kay o'pag magkasama kayo? Kailangan bang isa lang ang bestfriend?

Hindi ko alam ang mga sagot pero sa tingin ko 'pag bestfriends kayo eh hindi naman pwedeng magkasundo kayo lagi at hindi na nagtatalo, ang kailangan lang eh nagcocompliment kayo sa isa't isa. Okay na 'yung magtalo basta sa huli tanggap niyo na mayroon kayong mag pagkakaiba at hindi niyo na dapat pinagtatalunan kung sinong tama o mali, ang importante nasasakyan ninyo ang tama ng bawat isa. Hindi rin naman maganda ang lagi kayong magkasama dahil hindi naman kayo magsyota...bestfriends lang. Alam ninyo dapat kung anong posisyon ninyo bilang bestfriend..may mga pampribadong aspeto sa buhay kasi ang bestfriend ninyo na hindi niyo dapat hinahakbangan. At higit sa lahat, hindi naman importante kung ilan ang bestfriend na meron ka basta alam mo kung paano sila pahahalagahan pero darating ka talaga sa punto na merong kaibigan na pinakaiintindi sa iyo at makakasundo mo, kung sino man iyon, hindi naman kailangan lagyan ng label na bestfriend mo siya...it happens naturally. At hindi porke't bestfriend mo eh bestfriend ka rin... hayaan mong 'yung kaibigan mo ang tumuring sa iyo... hindi mo dapat ipilit dahil treasure ang kaibigan hindi lang basta possesion na dapat may pangalan, iniingatan ito at tinatago ng mabuti ang mga ala-alang naipon ninyong dalawa... dahil kahit hindi man kayo maging magkasama sa huli, ang mahalag naranasan mong magkaroon ng kaibigan na kaya kang suportahan at tulungan sa mga panahong kailangan mo sila at makisaya sa oras ng iyong tagumpay.

Ako ang inyong bloggista....leaving an inkblog.

Pondering: life after college

Just last night, I talked to a friend 'bout our plans after college and she actually surprised me because she plans to attend a med school after graduation. Me? Honestly, I stopped for this year because of the fear I have 'bout the life that awaits me after this school year if I haven't took a year off from school. I fear the recruitment process that I will be undergoing once I opted to look for a job and if fate wills, I also fear the stress and strain that I would be experiencing in a life totally different from being a student, a life of an employee.

Never in my wildest dream have I included this part, I envision success but not its beginning, and I believe I am not alone in that boat, many people had been there and will be there just like me. Maybe, beginnings aren't that exciting enough to be pondered on or it is not as spectacular or tragic as the climax or ending but thinking twice, it doubles the drama and the tension for it poses the biggest question which most of us never considered: "how will I start?". And once I decided to go back to school, I understand that I need to know which path I will take after college whether to work, get a Master's, attend a med school or dream to be the next lawyer dealing with forensics and stuffs like that. I still do not know what lies ahead of me and worse, I don't know where to start. Friends have always been comforting me with lines like "ok lang naman iyan, bata ka pa naman" or "try mo lang, wala namang mawawala", but one thing that i know they do not understand is that now that i am perfectly fine, I can't decide where to go what more if I already failed and the concern focuses more on how i can get myself whole again.

Indeed, it is difficult to be an adult and how I regret the days I spent when I was young wishing that I am an adult already. Life truly has its twists and turns, in no time, I will surely come up with a decision which will foretell my future because I know that the world will keep on spinning and won't bother to stop because of me. Time will run shorter and shorter and whatever you opt to do, whether you stop or go, you will surely run out of it.

I am pondering about it, I am your bloggista, leaving an inkblog.

image is from www.reallifeaftercollege.com

Pondering: homosexual love

I know it is not the topic that I should start with but while i was browsing the internet and checking the videos in YouTube, I can't help but notice the growing number of shows and movies dealing with gay love and relationships for the theme and common ending to such are tragic and very unfortunate as contrary to the synonym of the word on which the name of the homosexual class was derived which means "happy".
Let me make myself clear, I am not a gay neither bisexual but I do have friends who has sentiments on how pitiful the outcome of gay relations will be. In one instance, a gay friend even asked me how come the girl-who-acted-as-a-boy in the Asianovelas Hanakimi and Coffee Prince had a guy who loved her for her male identity, does that mean that a man or a woman can love a gay or a lesbian romantically and genuinely? I opted to leave the question a question until now...

Can a straight heterosexual love a homo- or bisexual?

From the question itself, it is impossible. The only way a man can truly love another man is for him to become a gay or at least a bisexual. The next question would be is, if they can endure the hypocritic eyes of those people who believes that a person can only commit himself to the opposite sex which consists around 90% of the place you are living in including your parents (especially in the Philippines where everyone considers themselves as conservatives); and if you can, how long will it last?
Gay relationship also needs to face the reality that you can never have an offspring as a couple, however you want to have a natural baby, you just can't and won't. A sad reality. You can't leave peacefully just like the other "normal" couples and now, you need to accept that it will be you and him/her until your dying hour unless you would want to have a baby maker or adopt a kid.

Chasing true love, that's one of the quest a gay has to face, i think, but sustaining it and making it last proves to be the toughest.

Now, if someone asks me to become a gay man in exchange for a milllion dollar, I would definitely say no. It's not that I hate gays or a homophobic but because in a society where I am living, straight men has a greater chance of finding true love, someone to stand by you without the scrutiny of public eye. I believe that growing old with someone you love is ideal, and so difficult to make happen but being gay, I think, doubles the difficulty.

This is what I am thinking of, sorry for those who got offended and have different views but i hope you'd respect mine the way i respect your opinions, it's okay if you'd speak it out here.

I am your blogger leaving an inkblog.

image is from: http://www.20twentytwo.blogspot.com/