Too Soon

"When you feel that time sees to to move too fast, it only means you are aging. Look at the kids, they get bored easily for they feel that time is moving so slowly."

Those were the words my boss told me when I got so exhausted with workloads at the tutorial center. Time flies for adults but for the younger ones, it crawls and take a break each and every minute. Since I feel the fast pace of time and life itself... I am old... I am a certified adult.

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Sobrang linaw pa sa akin ng mga chldhood days ko, mula sa mga experiences hanggang sa mga thoughts ko noon na intact pa rin sa utak ko ngayon, kung anggang kelan tatagal ang mga alaala eh hindi ko na alam. Naaalala ko pa kung paano ko napagpapalit ang mga water jugs namin ng mga kaklase ko dahil magkakapareho ng itsura, kung paano ko napagkamalian na panyo ang retaso ng tela na dala ng kaklase ko para sa klase namin sa EPP (Edukasyong Pantahanan at Pangkabuhayan), kaya pala medyo amoy lupa at magaspang 'yung tela dahil hindi pala talaga 'yun yung panyo ko; kung paano ko naitatapon ang mga lunch box ko sa siga dahil nalimutan ko na nasa loob pala ng plastic na tinapon ko sa siga ang lunchbox ko katulad na rin ng pagkawala ng wallet ko araw-araw noong grade 1 at 2 ako... ang tanga ko pala noon. Hindi ko rin pwedeng kalimutan ang moro-moro at sili-tubig na sobrang kinapaguran ko at kung paano ako nahuhulog mula sa langit kapag naglalaro kamin ng langit-lupa... hindi rin pwedeng mawala sa listahan ang basketbol at jackstone na kinaBANOan ko hanggang sa mga oras na binabasa ninyo ito. May mga pagkakataon rin noon na nagpapanggap akong masakit ang ulo, tiyan, paa at kung ano pang pwedeng sumakit para lang makatakas sa eskwela, hindi naman sa ayaw kong pumasok at mag-aral...nagkataon lang siguro na hindi ko masyadong gusto ang humarap sa pisara at lumanghap ng chalk dust...

Naaalala ko pa rin kung paano ako naiinip sa takbo ng panahon na para bang kahit na dumadaan ang araw eh tulog lang ang naghahati sa mga ito at dilim lang ang pananda pero wala naman talagang nangyayari.. walang nagbabago. Pero iba na ang sitwasyon ngayon...

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The mere fact that I am earning my own money states that I have grown up.. grown old... I was very much terrified by that thought... I have grown old... I not the kid who used to run along the streets without anything to bother about... i am not the same kid who smiles with utmost sincerity and have compassion for everyone for I have never felt betrayal and pain then... I am a very meek person inside yet a very determined and strong-willed person is exuded on the outside. I am not the same kid because I am not a kid anymore. I am not a kid. no longer a kid.

A friend wished that I may not lose my sunshine, the same wish the kid in me has for me... But i already lost it then... yet I feel the need to give it back to myself and so I am taking my steps in retrieving the sunshine I've lost when I fell and lost my head...

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Growing old isn't about the additional numbers in your age... growing old carries a big responsibility... you are held liable for the things you do and the things you failed to do... you get haunted by your own shadows for the deeds you never did... As a kid we want to be somebody but when someday comes, being somebody isn't everything... you will need someone and eventually need to give something...

As a kid, I was waiting for the right time because I know that it'll come but on when is something I wasn't sure of. Now that I am a little older, I need to chase time for I believe that time can never be right unless you work hard on making thing things right... At 20, I am in just a fourth or third fraction of my life but reaching this realization makes me feel a little older... We all grow old... that's our fate... but growing up is an option....

I am Billie... blogging.

Should have...

There are a lot of things I regret in the past but for now, I want to deal with my highschool days...

It was a day in June, year 2002. I started attending the school I never imagined of attending. I was in mixed emotions because I managed to got in easily but most of my gradeschool friends decided to go to other highschools so I was like contemplating on backing out but it was not an option at that time. While contemplating I heard these two girls chatting as if they have never seen each other for years. I cursed them at the time for they were too loud but the next thing I knew was they were already my classmates and after a month or so, I was enjoying their company and was chatting with them. I met other people, some became enemies and some became very dear to me. After a year, there was a resectioning and some bonds were strengthened and a lot have been cut. The same thing happened every year and the worse thing has yet to come... graduation.

Upon the preparation for graduation, we were asked to do a speech for our Filipino class, I made two and one of those tackled the graduation theme and as I remember a line from it goes like "hindi 'yung moment na iyon ang iniiyakan namin kund i'yung mga susunod na araw, linggo, buwan at taon na hindi na sila ang kasama namin sa bawat galaan, kausap sa bawat kwentuhan at kasalo sa bawat tanghalian." And indeed it happened... though we have managed to get in touch with one another from time to time, it is still different back then...

If I had known that we will be losing all those wonderful days we sed to have, I should have tried my best to show my friends how I value them and how much important they are to me. If I had known then that the things I've done will dictate the world's perception of me I should have tried on becoming a better person even when I was younger. I know I haven't tried hard enough on becoming a better person, on becoming a better comrade on becoming someone I've wanted to be... If I had known that time flies...

I SHOULD HAVE RUN FASTER...

National Day of Mourning

Miyerkules. Ika-25 ng Nobyembre, 2009. Idineklara ng pangulo ang National Day of Mourning kaugnay na rin ng tinaguriang Maguindanao Massacre. Mayroong hindi bababa sa limampu ang nawalang buhay sa naturang pagpatay pero kasabay nito ay may mga bagay pa na nawala, hindi lang sa pamilya ng mga napatay kundi pati na rin sa buong bansa... sa hindi mabilang na pagkakataon ay nabalot na naman sa poot at takot ang mga mamamayan.

"HATE THE DEED, NOT THE DOER"
Sa ngayon, isa si Mayor Ampatuan sa tinuturong may kasalanan sa naganap na krimen pero hanggang hindi ibinababa ang hatol ay mananatiling bintang ang mga akusasyon laban sa pulitikong nais tumakbo bilang gobernador ng probinsya. Kung siya man ang may pakana o hindi, dahil na rin sa tindi ng krimen na nagawa, ang gawain lang ba ang dapat kapootan at hindi ang may gawa?
Nakakapoot ang nangyari dahil sa dami ng inosenteng buhay na kinuha at mga pamilyang binuwag pero higit sa poot ay...

TAKOT.
Kung tunay man na ang nadidiin ang siyang may sala, parang lalo lang bumibigat ang isang katotohanan na hindi natin pwedeng ipagkatiwala ang ating kapalaran sa mga nakaupo sa pwesto na kayang kumitil ng buhay para lamang sa salapi at kapagyarihan... kung hindi man siya, takot pa rin ang namamayani dahil alam nating kapwa natin Pilipino ang may gawa nito. Kapwa nating Pilipino na siya dapat na nagkakaroon ng malasakit at pagmamahal sa bawat isa ngunit imbis na pagtutulungan ay pinagtutulungan ang mga humaharang sa kanilang mga adhikain maging ito'y mabuti o masama. Nakakakilabot isipin na sa sarili mong bansa ay hindi ka ligtas.

Sa pagputok ng balitang ito'y isinama ko ang sarili ko sa nais kumondena sa nasabing aksyon at isa sa mga taong nagpahayag sa pagtutol ay nakatanggap na raw ng pagbabanta. NAkakatakot isipin na sa ganitong panahon ay kailangan nang ibahag ang buntot ng mga taong may adhika na ipaglaban ang katarungan.

Sana sa darating na mga araw ay malinawan ang kaso at mahuli ang mga dapat malagay sa likod ng rehas. Sana sa mga susunod na panahon ay matigil na ang mga ganitong mga pangyayari. Sana.

Hindi ko akalain na magsusulat ako ng isang artikulo na ganito ang tema dahil hindi ito ang linyang nais kong isulat pero sabi nga nila "there is always an exemption" at isa ito sa mga exemptions.

Ako si Billie...nangangamba sa mga pangyayari...leaving an inkblog.

reunited...

Sa dami ng messages na nabasa ko sa Facebook sa mga nakaraang araw at linggo eh isa lang talaga ang sobrang lakas ng clamor...REUNION.

1st year highschool ako ng mabasa ko ang libro ni Bob Ong na ABNKKBSNPLAKo! at isa sa mga parte doon ay tumalakay sa reunion na tila ba isang fright day kung ituring niya... naisip ko noon, ano bang nakakatakot sa araw kung saan makikita mo uli ang mga dating kaibigan at ka-ibigan, babalikan ninyo ang mga ala-ala at susubukang ibalik ang pagiging malapit sa isa't isa? Ano nga bang nakakasindak sa mga muling pagkikita-kita?

Noong nakaraang taon ay sinubukang magdaos ng isang reunion ang batch pero gaya ng inaasahan ay marami ang hindi nakarating at kasama na ako doon. Bilang isang estudyante ng panahong iyon ay marami akong kailangang palampasing social event lalo na kung hindi ko talaga gustong pumunta dahil sa pakiwari ko eh napakaaga pa para magdaos ng isang reunion... we barely finished college yet... Na-imagine ko kasi ang isang reunion 'pag nakakapagtrabaho na kami at namatay na ang lahat ng immaturity sa katawan namin. Pero siguro nga ako na lang ang kailangang maghilod ng immaturity sa aming lahat.

At sa mga susunod na panahon ay magkakaroon na naman ng reunion. Pupunta ba ako!?!?!

Sa highschool, hindi ako kahit kailan naging bida, indi ako matalino at lalong hindi ako ang taong gusto kong maging ako. Sa pagpasok ko noon sa college ay sinubukan kong maging mas mabuting "Billie" o kahit man lang isang tao na kayang irespeto ang sarili niya. Pinilit kong ipahayag nang mas aayos kung sino ako bagaman marami pa rin ang hindi natuwa sa akin at sa ugali ko, masasabi ko na mas minahal ko ang sarili ko at ang lahat ng naging kaibigan ko ay nakita ang tunay na ako... isang bagay na hindi ko nagawa sa highschool... nakatanggap ako ng respeto na kailangan ko para sa mga endeavors ko na kahit kelan ay hindi ko naramdaman sa highschool... Masasabi kong mabuting kaibigan ang lahat ng naging kaibigan ko noong highschool at talagang tinutulungan nila ako sa mga pagkakataong kailangan ko ang tulong nila pero ang mga college friends ko ang nagbigay sa akin ng zeal para ituloy ang mga bagay na gusto kong gawin at kahit mabigo man ako ay alam kong nandyan sila at hindi nila ako hinuhusgahan dahil alam nilang marami akong kahinaan...

I feel like a shit while I was in highschool especially in my last few months there and how I wish I could make the clock ticks faster... I can't blame no one for anything that had happened in my highschool days... I was alone in that fight and I know I won but not of TKO neither of a unanimous decision but of default... i had noone to fight with but myself... "I had to stop it", I told myself then but now that I am a little more confident of myself... I had to face the people who have known the person from the past and not me, today... How can I say that I have grown to a better person when in the first place, they don't even bother to know?

Nagpapanic lang ako pero wala naman talagang problema... 'Pag nandyan 'yan saka na lang problemahin... pero habang hindi pa dumarating... i'll enjoy life to its fullest... and reminisce of the uncountable times I was happy in highschool...

whether i'll come or not depends on how things will turn on the following months or even years but for now... I'll stay as Billie...bloggista.

Sorry.

The word could have been more useful some four years ago. My senior year in highschool. I could have rebuilt bridges of friendships and closed gaps with that five-letter word...I should have said it then.

Explanation.
That same year... fet so misunderstood and so I had to keep myself distant from a lot of people including my friends...I should have said what I felt.. I should have told them my reasons... they could have understand...they might have understand.


This should have been written some four years ago... back to the times when I wasn't that matured yet and a little egocentricity has filled my soul.

First Story:
"It's better to shut up..."

They hated me. One even cursed me to death and the other called me an evil. But why? All I did was tell something which at that time, I just felt like saying and since it's true as far as I know and that it does not intend to create trouble with anyone. They confronted me and asked me why have I said such things but I felt not liable for any explanations so I just keep my mouth shut...not knowing that it would make things worse...I said sorry alright and after some weeks we reconciled but still the explanation has to be given out even it's 4 years late...

"Alam kong mali ako na nasabi ko ang mga bagay na hindi naman dapat na-ibroadcast sa maraming tao pero nang sinabi ko iyon ay wala akong intensyong masama. Hindi ako nagpaliwanag non dahil kung may nagawa man akong mali ay sa dalwang tao lang iyon at hindi sa buong grupo dahil kahit paano ko isipin ay hindi sangkot ang mga taong ito sa sinabi ko..."

..next story in the continuation...

child's play

Hindi ito tungkol kay chucky, tungkol ito sa literal na child's play. pinoy way.

Naalala mo pa ba nung mga 5 o 6 na taon ka pa lang kung saan nakikipagtakbuhan ka sa mga kalaro mo at tinuturing niyo na na isa yong masayang laro, ang tawag... habulan. Matatapos lang ang laro 'pag napagod na kayong lahat o kaya kumagat na ang dilim at tinawag na kayo ng nanay ninyo para pumasok sa loob ng bahay.

Eh 'yung, tagu-taguan? At kailangang kantahin nung taya 'yung themesong ng laro na "tagu-taguan maliwanag ang buwan, masarap maglaro ng dilim-diliman. pagbilang ng sampu nakatago na kayo, 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10. Kung sinong huling magpunta sa base at magsabi ng "save" siya ang taya o kaya naman kung sino'ng unang "ma-boom" ng taya.

Meron ding medyo relihiyoso na "langit-lupa" at gaya ng taguan eh meron din itong soundtrack na may lyrics na "langit-lupa, impyerno,im-im-impyerno, saksak-puso tulo ang dugo, patay-buhay, umalis ka na diyan sa pwesto mo...". Para lang din 'tong habulan pero level-up ito... hindi ka pwedeng tayain kapag nasa mataas na lugar ka kasi nga langit 'yun! Gaya ng langit-lupa, meron ding sili-tubig na deviation lang din ng larong habulan.

Kabilang din sa listahan ang patintero (kung saan nauso ang salitang patotot), tumbang preso, piko at kung anu-ano pang laro na hindi na nalalaro ng mga bata ngayon sa siyudad...

Sayang, hindi nila natutunan ang saya ng pagsabi ng time-first lalo na 'pag matataya na, pang-aasar ng BUROT sa mga kalarong natataya nang natataya nang paulit-ulit. Sayang talaga.

Nasa inyo ang kakampi ko, nasa akin ang kakampi nyo...gusto nyo palit-bote tayo?

Pondering: imagine the good times, feet the bad times

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
- Falling Slowly, Kris Allen

I love her...but she doesn't know about it.. she doesn't even have a single clue...but I do not intend to let her know... I want to keep it as it is... we are better off as strangers.. I think.

Have you ever been in love?

People from different parts of the globe and from all walks of life have always imagined to find that one person who would complete them but along the way things will not turn the way you imagined it to be and that one person you feel love for isn't the person you imagined to give it to...

It is very much exciting to talk about the exchange of sweet nothings between you and your loved one but oftentimes, people end up having nightmares or sleepless nights because of a failed love...

We look tirelessly for that perfect person yet when we found them we just can't say to them the words we have memorized from the moment we learned what love was...

You can go half-way around the world just to follow our special one but when we found them, they already belong to somebody...

You flirted with numerous girls and tell them how sweet and beautiful they are and just how much you like them but your tongue got twisted upon seeing the only person you wanted to spend life with...

Many girls dream of having a prince who will come at their rescue and sweep their feet off but in the end they will settle to be the bestfriend..."just bestfriend" or worse, the other woman...

Sometimes, they are just beside you waiting to be noticed but when oyu finally take a glimpse of her angelic face and started falling for her, that's when you realize you don't stand a chance on the person because of two reasons...(1) you're not her type and (2) she is going steady with someone who's so better than you...

We anticipated and practiced each sweet line not knowing they will never come along ...

We waited for love to come along...yet when it came... you let it pass... or it took a pass on you...

Girls can kiss a lot of frogs to find her prince just like a man can try that glass shoe to find for that lady who would have the perfect fit but how long are you going to do it? How far can you get?

Pondering: Bestfriend

Sinong bestfriend mo?

Naaalala ko pa kung paano ko tinatanong iyan sa lahat ng mga kaklalase kong napapalapit sa akin sa pag-asang bestfriend nila ako...nakakatawa kung gaano ko pinahahalagahan NOON ang isang tawag na hindi naman talaga ang importante, gaya nga ng sabi ng kaibigan ko "ang kaibigan ay kaibigan, kahit anong tawag mo basta kaibigan mo, yun sya!". Pagdating ko ng hayskul, nagkaroon ako ng tatlong bestfriend, 'yung isa pareho kaming weird kaya naman nagkakasundo kami, 'yung isa super bait at massayahin kaya gusto ko siyang kasama madalas at ang huli ay napakamapanlait at masungit pero siya ang ultimate bestfriend ko at kahit di kami masyado magkita kahit malapit lang ang bahay namin sa isa't isa eh parang hindi kami naghiwalay kung mag-usap 'pag nagkita ulit.

Kanina sa pagtingin ko sa Friendster at Facebook account niya eh nakita ko ang bago niyang group of friends sa mga pics na in-upload niya at nakaramdam ako ng lungkot. Naisip ko, gaano pa kaya katagl kaming magiging magkaibigan kung ngayon pa lang eh may kanya-kanya na kaming mga buhay at iba na rin ang mga grupo ng kaibigan na meron kami...Nakakatakot na mawala at masayang na lang ang halos 8 years naming friendship at ilang taon ng pagiging bestfriends.

Ano nga ba ang bestfriend? Sapat na ba na magkasundo kayo palagi o madalas kayong magkasama? Okay na ba 'yung hindi kayo nagtatalo at masaya kay o'pag magkasama kayo? Kailangan bang isa lang ang bestfriend?

Hindi ko alam ang mga sagot pero sa tingin ko 'pag bestfriends kayo eh hindi naman pwedeng magkasundo kayo lagi at hindi na nagtatalo, ang kailangan lang eh nagcocompliment kayo sa isa't isa. Okay na 'yung magtalo basta sa huli tanggap niyo na mayroon kayong mag pagkakaiba at hindi niyo na dapat pinagtatalunan kung sinong tama o mali, ang importante nasasakyan ninyo ang tama ng bawat isa. Hindi rin naman maganda ang lagi kayong magkasama dahil hindi naman kayo magsyota...bestfriends lang. Alam ninyo dapat kung anong posisyon ninyo bilang bestfriend..may mga pampribadong aspeto sa buhay kasi ang bestfriend ninyo na hindi niyo dapat hinahakbangan. At higit sa lahat, hindi naman importante kung ilan ang bestfriend na meron ka basta alam mo kung paano sila pahahalagahan pero darating ka talaga sa punto na merong kaibigan na pinakaiintindi sa iyo at makakasundo mo, kung sino man iyon, hindi naman kailangan lagyan ng label na bestfriend mo siya...it happens naturally. At hindi porke't bestfriend mo eh bestfriend ka rin... hayaan mong 'yung kaibigan mo ang tumuring sa iyo... hindi mo dapat ipilit dahil treasure ang kaibigan hindi lang basta possesion na dapat may pangalan, iniingatan ito at tinatago ng mabuti ang mga ala-alang naipon ninyong dalawa... dahil kahit hindi man kayo maging magkasama sa huli, ang mahalag naranasan mong magkaroon ng kaibigan na kaya kang suportahan at tulungan sa mga panahong kailangan mo sila at makisaya sa oras ng iyong tagumpay.

Ako ang inyong bloggista....leaving an inkblog.

Reminiscing: remember the old songs (boyband fever)

I am a part of the generation who got so caught up with the boybands and that their songs ruled over the radio airwaves since I got in my sophomore year in highschool. Among my batch, who would forget the songs like This I Promise You, My Love, Like A Rose, Shape of my Heart and All or Nothing? My girl classmates all shouted for the names like Ben, Shane, Bryan and Justin with the big posters they bought somewhere not to mention that these posters cost more than the amount they get for their dafily allowance.

Recently, I browsed some of my old stuffs and found a copy of my favorite boybands album but it cannot be played anymore since it has a lot of scratches already in it which makes me a little sad considering that I spent some hundreds to buy it and now, I can't even listen to it. Sad. Makes me believe that at 20, I am so old...haha. But my optimism never failed me, I logged in to YouTube and tried to look for the songs and I found copies of it. Haha. Lucky me!

When I listened to the songs, I can't help but remember the grueling times I had upon graduating elementary and entering a new phase they call "highschool". It makes me reminisce the time when I go to the nearest bookstore or newsstand just to check if a1 (my favorite boyband,THEN!) has released a new album or the song magazines have had a new interview about their private lives or anything like that which may fancy me....hmmm...I wonder how much I spent buying those things... I hope I just saved it so that I could watch their concert here in the Philippines in 2001...

When you were a kid, a young kid with no real responsibility and has little obligation and has all the liberty to do everything you want as long as it does not interfere with your parents' parental power and does not require you to be out of their sight. You can mess with a lot of people and still, they won't mind you because you are young....But reality strikes... just like your favorite boyband which got disbanded because of their own personal reasons.... we also grow old... we need to grow up and we will never be boys forever...never be LITTLE boys forever...

This has been your bloggista...leaving an inkbog

Wanted: Mr. and Ms. Right

Have you found....THE ONE?

Sa pagtingin ko sa sari-saring sites sa internet sa pagbabaka sakali na makakuha ako ng mga trivias, eh tungkol lang sa paghanap ng true love, soul mate, mr or ms right o perfect one lang ang nakikita kong mga posts at paminsan-minsan eh ads ng mga astrologer. I have nothing against waiting for it pero to go crazy about looking for the one...medyo mali na yata iyon. gaya nga ng sinabi ni radley, isa sa mga sumagot sa tanong na ito sa Yahoo Answers which I quote " don't think that there is 'the one' out there, but maybe a few. You should enjoy being with the person you're with and when you stop being happy you move on. I also don't think you should waste time looking for the 'perfect' person, because people aren't perfect and you could bypass someone that could make you really and truly happy. I think it's a case of the grass being greener on the other side most of the time." Pero sabi nga nila, kung minsan-minsan lang, wala namang masama. Go ahead look for that person...he or she may be looking for you as well...who knows?

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Sabi ng teacher ko dati, hindi raw totoo ang ideal person...parang make believe kasi "ideal" daw, imagination pero in the end ni wala sa kalingkingan ng ideal person natin yung nakakatuluyan natin. I agree. Love after all isn't about finding the right or the perfect person for you, it is about making everything perfect and right with the person you chose to be with.

____________________________________________________________________

At, eto na ang dahilan kung bakit ko ginawa ang taglish na post na ito. Nagsend kasi ang friend ko sa'ken ng message tungkol sa kagustuhan niyang magkaroon ng boyfriend at gusto niyang tulungan ko siya sa pagsasakatuparan ng kanyang nais. Hindi pa siya nagkakaroon ng special someone ever pero hindi naman siya 'yung taong babangungutin ka 'pag nakita mo, in fact, she has her way of presenting herself pleasantly to the people she meets. Ilang beses na rin siyang hinanapan ng date ng mga kaibigan namin pero mukhang hindi niya pa talaga oras na magka-alam mo na. Medyo choosy rin kasi, at ang gusto niya raw eh isang taong intellectually stimulating... as in brainy pero hindi naman weird ang dating...need not to be hot pero presentable. Bihira lang 'yung ganon, sabi ko sa kanya pero mapilit pa rin. Minsan kahit gaano kababa ang isineset nating standards given the circumstances, mahirap pa ring makuha.

I haven't met Ms. Right yet, but I do not rush... I know she'll come. I just hope she won't come at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Some people leaves with a sigh or a tear in the eye. Some just leaves without a trace. Some leaves with a smile and a promise to come back. Some people doesn't leave because of love, I wish I would someday be forced by love to do the things I dare not try... but for now...

I'll stay to be your bloggista....leaving an inkblog.

Nothing much

The 5th post.

Nothing much to read about. Currently I am working on a short story. Pinagawa ng isang friend about a year ago ngayon ko lang sisimulan...cge... just read the previous posts na lang and try to leave a comment. Thanks.

Pondering: life after college

Just last night, I talked to a friend 'bout our plans after college and she actually surprised me because she plans to attend a med school after graduation. Me? Honestly, I stopped for this year because of the fear I have 'bout the life that awaits me after this school year if I haven't took a year off from school. I fear the recruitment process that I will be undergoing once I opted to look for a job and if fate wills, I also fear the stress and strain that I would be experiencing in a life totally different from being a student, a life of an employee.

Never in my wildest dream have I included this part, I envision success but not its beginning, and I believe I am not alone in that boat, many people had been there and will be there just like me. Maybe, beginnings aren't that exciting enough to be pondered on or it is not as spectacular or tragic as the climax or ending but thinking twice, it doubles the drama and the tension for it poses the biggest question which most of us never considered: "how will I start?". And once I decided to go back to school, I understand that I need to know which path I will take after college whether to work, get a Master's, attend a med school or dream to be the next lawyer dealing with forensics and stuffs like that. I still do not know what lies ahead of me and worse, I don't know where to start. Friends have always been comforting me with lines like "ok lang naman iyan, bata ka pa naman" or "try mo lang, wala namang mawawala", but one thing that i know they do not understand is that now that i am perfectly fine, I can't decide where to go what more if I already failed and the concern focuses more on how i can get myself whole again.

Indeed, it is difficult to be an adult and how I regret the days I spent when I was young wishing that I am an adult already. Life truly has its twists and turns, in no time, I will surely come up with a decision which will foretell my future because I know that the world will keep on spinning and won't bother to stop because of me. Time will run shorter and shorter and whatever you opt to do, whether you stop or go, you will surely run out of it.

I am pondering about it, I am your bloggista, leaving an inkblog.

image is from www.reallifeaftercollege.com

Reminiscing: Elementary Days

Para sa pangatlo kong post, pinili kong magsulat sa tagalog. minsan hirap akong magsulat sa tagalog lalo na 'pag ipababasa ko ito sa mga tao gayunpaman, itutuloy ko na.

Namimiss mo ba ang elementary days mo?

'Yang tanong na iyan ang pumasok sa isipan ko noong magreklamo ang isa sa mga tutee ko tungkol sa walang katapusang pinapagawa saa kanila sa school at tutorial center pero mas nangibabaw sa akin ang pakiramdam ng pagkamiss sa mga nangyari nuong elementary ako kesa halukayin ang baul ng paghihirap na naranasan ko noon bilang isang elementary student.

Nag-aral ako sa isang pampublikong paaralan, nung mga panahon na iyon hindi pa masyadong siksikan ang mga estudyante, sa classroom namin nasa 40-50 ang estudyante sa ibang silid umaabot ng hanggang 70 pero depende iyon sa laki ng classroom pero noon pa man eh ramdam na ang kakulangan sa guro at mas malaki ang kakulangan sa mga mababait at mahuhusay na titser dahi lsa tuwing umaabsent ang titser, walang substitute, pinapalipat kami sa ibang classroom, medyo badtrip kasi wala rin naman kaming natutunan dahil medyo marami at wala rin naman kaming inuupuan kundi 'yung sahig dahil walang sobrang silya sa kwarto, sa katunayan, kulang pa nga ang upuan at mas kulang ang upuang pwedeng upuan, gets mo?

Pero hinding-hindi ko naman ipagpapalit ang mga taong iginugol ko doon para palitan ng mga taong pwede ko sanang gugulin sa private schoool dahil talaga namang nasiyahan ako sa pananatili ko doon at dahil ito sa mga sumusunod:

Teachers.
Malaki ang kaibahan ng mga guro sa public at private schools. Kadalasang mas may edad ang mga teachers sa public kesa sa private, mga tatlong henerasyon lang naman. Mas pawisan din ang mga guro sa public na minsan parang hindi na lang sila nagtuturo parang kinakarga pa nila isa-isa 'yung estudyante kung makikita mo kadalassan ang pawisang mukha ng mga teachers at halata rin sa mga uniporme ng mga public school teachers ang kakapusan ng sahod. Ngayon, malamang magtataka ka kung bakit mas gusto ko sa public sa kabila ng mga ayos ng mga teachers at 'wag na nating isama ang paminsan-minsang burst-out ng mga teachers lalo na 'pag nadelay ang sweldo. Isa lang ang dahilan, dahil sa kabila ng mga kondisyong nabanggit ay ginusto pa rin nila kaming turuan at hindi dahil sa sweldo kundi dahil sa kagustuhan nilang ibahagi ang mga natutunan nila sa mga nakaraang taon ng buhay nila.

Kaklase.
Hindi ninyo iisipin kung sinong mas may pera sa mga kaklase mo dahil alam mong hindi naman talaga mayayaman ang mga kaklase mo dahil sa public nga kayo nag-aral. Masayang pumunta sa mga bahay ng mga kaklase mo dahil kadalasang walking distance lang at handa ang kanilang mga nanay na ipaghanda kayo ng meryendang kadalasan eh tinapay mula sa bakery sa kanto na parang tatlong araw na'ng tagal sa estante pero ok lang basta libre masarap na rin. Nakkapaglaro rin kayo ng langit-lupa at taguan dahil hindi naman lahat sila eh may computer o playstation na hinahabol laruin sa bahay at wala rin silang binabayarang tutor kaya hindi nagmamadaling umuwi ng bahay. Simple lang ang gusto ninyo at pare-pareho kayo, gusto niyo lang ay maglaro at magpakasaya.

Paaralan.
Hindi bawal magvandal kasi marami na, minsan gusto mo pa ngang bawasan ng konti ang mga vandals eh. Walang isasauling libro sa library dahil walang laman ang library at walang masisirang aparato dahil wala kayo nuon. Masustansya ang pagkain sa canteen pero 'di ka sigurado sa linis nito. Pero kahit ganoon, dito naranasan ko'ng maging bata...hanggang sa lumaki ako bilang mas mabuting matanda...

Marami pa akong kwento.

I am your bloggista leaving an inkblog.

Imagew from www.clipartguide.com

Pondering: homosexual love

I know it is not the topic that I should start with but while i was browsing the internet and checking the videos in YouTube, I can't help but notice the growing number of shows and movies dealing with gay love and relationships for the theme and common ending to such are tragic and very unfortunate as contrary to the synonym of the word on which the name of the homosexual class was derived which means "happy".
Let me make myself clear, I am not a gay neither bisexual but I do have friends who has sentiments on how pitiful the outcome of gay relations will be. In one instance, a gay friend even asked me how come the girl-who-acted-as-a-boy in the Asianovelas Hanakimi and Coffee Prince had a guy who loved her for her male identity, does that mean that a man or a woman can love a gay or a lesbian romantically and genuinely? I opted to leave the question a question until now...

Can a straight heterosexual love a homo- or bisexual?

From the question itself, it is impossible. The only way a man can truly love another man is for him to become a gay or at least a bisexual. The next question would be is, if they can endure the hypocritic eyes of those people who believes that a person can only commit himself to the opposite sex which consists around 90% of the place you are living in including your parents (especially in the Philippines where everyone considers themselves as conservatives); and if you can, how long will it last?
Gay relationship also needs to face the reality that you can never have an offspring as a couple, however you want to have a natural baby, you just can't and won't. A sad reality. You can't leave peacefully just like the other "normal" couples and now, you need to accept that it will be you and him/her until your dying hour unless you would want to have a baby maker or adopt a kid.

Chasing true love, that's one of the quest a gay has to face, i think, but sustaining it and making it last proves to be the toughest.

Now, if someone asks me to become a gay man in exchange for a milllion dollar, I would definitely say no. It's not that I hate gays or a homophobic but because in a society where I am living, straight men has a greater chance of finding true love, someone to stand by you without the scrutiny of public eye. I believe that growing old with someone you love is ideal, and so difficult to make happen but being gay, I think, doubles the difficulty.

This is what I am thinking of, sorry for those who got offended and have different views but i hope you'd respect mine the way i respect your opinions, it's okay if you'd speak it out here.

I am your blogger leaving an inkblog.

image is from: http://www.20twentytwo.blogspot.com/

For the first time...

I know the title sounds a little off, even I, myself picture KC Concepcion when I hear the title, anyways let's get going then.

I am happy that you paid some time browsing through my blog. you may ask me about things if you want just place it in the suggestion box or add yourself as a follower of the blog. i promise to make the next post as fast as possible. see yah!
-Billie